Why I'm not pregnant: My battle with PCOS

This is going to be a long post! Get some popcorn, a drink, a blanket, and get comfortable! :)

Why is it that when you run into someone you haven't seen in a long time they always ask the same questions:
Q 1. How long have you been married for? 
A 1: 3 years 

Q 2. Do you have any kids yet?
A 2: Nope, not yet.

Q 3: Why not? or When are you going to start?
A 3: ummmm.................................

I hate it when conversations go like this. Surely there are other changes to my life and  yours besides just kids. Why not talk about school, work, marriage, friends, family, current events.....so many other topics to discuss yet this always seems to happen to me. It has been very hard for me to answer this question because I'm never quite sure what to say, so I am answering it here. For those of you who are wondering why I don't already have kids and why I'm not pregnant: I don't know.

How could I not know why I don't have kids? Let me explain, I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome aka PCOS. Everyone asks the same questions when they first learns about PCOS.

1. What is it? -- Webmd.com describes it as: "Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman's hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant. PCOS also may cause unwanted changes in the way you look. If it isn't treated, over time it can lead to serious health problems, such as diabetes and heart disease." 
2. What are the symptoms for it? -- With any disease people can have have different symptoms and some may be more severe then others, the common list of symptoms include: acne, weight gain/trouble losing weight, extra hair on the face/body, thinning hair on the scalp, irregular periods, fertility problems/infertility, and depression. (My symptoms are underlined)
3. Is it genetic? -- There are some genetic links to it, my children will be more likely to have it, but there are also environmental causes that they are unaware of.
4. Is it curable? -- Unfortunately, no; but there are certain things you can do or medications you can take to help treat some of the symptoms. 

So why am I writing this big blog post about it? Since I discovered I had PCOS I have done a lot of research and read a lot of blogs. Yet I haven't found any that I really connected with. They all seem to be about the happily ever after part (I have PCOS but I had kids!) and not the struggle (I have PCOS and am trying to have kids). I know that these women writing the blogs are doing so to try and encourage us and show us that there is hope, but sometimes I feel really alone in the struggle, like I'm the only one with PCOS that hasn't been able to get pregnant! I'm not trying to be negative about it and complain, I know there are people out there who have it much worse then me. I just want women who are struggling with PCOS to know that there are other people struggling too! And all the crazy thoughts, feelings, and emotions that PCOS can bring up are normal (well I consider them normal since I have them too)! 

Before I begin I need to warn some of you that if you don't want to know all about my periods and other female things, then you should probably stop reading now! I will be very open and honest about everything in order to help those women who are currently struggling or know someone struggling with PCOS. I am also going to be open about my religion, beliefs and spiritual experiences. I am LDS, (learn more about my faith and beliefs here)and my religion is a huge part of my life so naturally it is going to be apart of my decision to start my family. I also want to say that if I offend you with anything written I apologize, that is not my intention. And lastly, I would like to say that I truly appreciate all your love, support, and prayers!  

Now that you know a little bit about PCOS, I'll start my story at the beginning. 

I first started by period when I was 14 and from then on (unless on medications) have never had more than 5 periods a year. During high school I loved that I didn't get a monthly visit from Aunt Flow and always thought that it was just because I was active with basketball and track. I remember bragging to my sister who was complaining about her period that I got them every other month or every 3 months! She said I'd probably have a hard time getting pregnant but at 16 that was so far from my mind that I didn't think twice about seeing a doctor for it. 

Senior year of high school my cramps started to get much worse. They had always been pretty bad the first couple of days of my cycle but they kept getting worse until I finally went on birth control. For the first time in my life I had a regular cycle, and I honestly didn't like having it monthly! I stayed on the birth control for about a year until I felt like I was losing my mind and had turned into an emotional wreck! All it took was someone saying the word "No" to me (they didn't even have to be denying me something) and I would burst into tears, or I would just burst into tears for no reason! So I went off the birth control and went back to my irregular cycle. 

Everything stayed the same until I went back on birth control again before I got married. I started the birth control about a month before we got married (we were married July 22, 2011) and went back to having a regular cycle. I slowly started to gain weight but just attributed it to the "married 15" or the "freshman 15" since we were both in school. Nothing I did would get rid of the weight an I just continued to gain weight. 

We had the "when are we going to have kids" talk a few times but it wasn't until the beginning of 2013 we felt ready to start growing our family (after about 1 1/2 years of being married). I went off birth control and we started trying in February. March came around and no period came and I was so excited! I took a test which came back negative....*tears* Well maybe I just tried too soon? So I waited another week, no period, took another test....negative *more tears*. This went on until I finally had my period in April. So we tried again in April and then May came with no period, and the cycle continued. I started trying the home ovulation kits but could never get it to show positive! I was so frustrated! How were we supposed to get pregnant if I wasn't ovulating?! After about 4 months of this I decided to stop taking the pregnancy tests unless I felt sick, or if It had been over two months since my last cycle.  

In June two of my sisters had babies (only 2 days apart!) and another sister had one 5 weeks later! I was so happy for them but at the same time was so jealous. This was baby #4 for 2 of them and #6 for the other one. If my sisters were able to have kids so easily then why couldn't I?  To make it worse I heard multiple times "Hey Michelle, all your sister's are pregnant, so why aren't you?" I know deep down that these people were trying to be funny and make a joke, but every time I wanted to cry and tell them that we were trying! 

 October 2013 I finally went and saw my doctor because I hadn't had a period sine July. I was hoping that they would just say that it was taking my body longer to get the birth control out of my system (I think I heard somewhere it can take up to a year for some people?) They did a pregnancy test which, of course, came back negative and I finally asked the doctor a few questions. I knew we hadn't been trying to conceive for a full year (most doctors make you wait longer than a year before you seen medical help) but I also knew that without a period in 3 months something was wrong and until it was fixed I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. 

The doctor I saw was very kind and understanding, he and his wife had also gone through fertility problems. He advised me to have Trevor tested, which I thought was strange because clearly something was going on in my body! But he explained that 1/3 of the time it is the woman, 1/3 of the time it's the man, and 1/3 of the time it's the combination of the two, meaning neither of you have great numbers so combined you have a low chance but may not have ever known there was a problem if you were with someone with high chances. Make sense? Well it did to me, we knew I had something, but Trevor could have low count/motility as well! So we had him tested first because it's cheaper and easier! Thankfully all his numbers came out above average! 

I was so happy that all his numbers were good, but then it hit me....this was ALL MY FAULT! It was my body betraying me, it was my body that wouldn't reproduce, and I cried. My wonderful, amazing, caring husband comforted me, like he always did after every negative test.

We set up an appointment with the fertility specialist my doctor recommended at the U of U hospital (anyone local need a fertility specialist let me know! I definitely recommend her!) for the middle of November. I finally had my period the beginning of November so when I went in for my first appointment they did an ultrasound and informed me I was ovulating! I was so excited! I thought I wouldn't need to go on any medications and would have a baby no problem! AND better yet, I was ovulating on BOTH sides! (Guess I should have mentioned earlier I have fraternal twin sisters, so thanks mom for that gene!) I was so sure at least one of them would develop and I would be pregnant. During the exam the specialist diagnosed me with PCOS, gave me a prescription to make me ovulate, and told me to fill it if I didn't get pregnant this month.  

It was nice to have a name to what was wrong with me, and finally begin to understand what was going on with my body. I now know why I hadn't "grown out" of my acne, why I wasn't regular, why I was gaining weight without losing it, and why we were having such a hard time getting pregnant! I felt hopeful after my appointment and started to learn more about PCOS. 

Unfortunately Aunt Flow decided to stop by in December and I was crushed! Come on! I knew I had ovulated, the Doctor said they should have been ready in a few days after my appointment, and I had 2 eggs! Why couldn't I at least get one of them?! So I started the ovulation medication in December, again hopeful because most people I talked to said they only had to use it for 2-3 months and they got pregnant. I didn't think it would take me any longer! I used the home ovulation prediction kits and it never came back positive. I was so frustrated that here I was taking these pills to make me ovulate but it wasn't working! My doctor sent me to have blood work done which showed I had ovulated. Well now I was even more frustrated! I had spent all that money on my appointment, prescription, and the ovulation kits and they weren't even working right! So I had to spend more money for lab tests! How was I supposed to know when I was ovulating if the results didn't show?! 

January came and it happened all over again! I took the medication, took the kits which all came back negative, had the blood work down which showed I had ovulated. How many times was I going to have to go through this? Why couldn't the tests just work for me?! I knew I was using them right! I mean, it's not that hard to pee on a stick! So my doctor encouraged me to use Clear Blue Digital ovulation kits (I had been using an off brand previously because they are SO expensive!) and to do the test twice a day! Luckily my awesome husband looked on Amazon for the Clear Blue Digital ovulation kits and found them at a reasonable price! (I would have never thought to look on Amazon for them!)

Finally in February I got a positive result on my ovulation kit and I was so excited! So Trevor and I tried; however, Aunt Flow stopped by again in the beginning of March and we went through it all again. When it came again in April my doctor wanted a follow up appointment. The medication was working, I was ovulating, but since I still wasn't pregnant there was always the chance that there was something else going on and we talked about my options. She gave me the option of trying just the medication for a few more months or going the more aggressive route and moving to intrauterine insemination. We decided to just stay with the medication for now, but set up another ultrasound for the middle of April. 

Now for those of you who don't understand what I mean when I say ultrasound, I'm not talking about the kind they do when you are actually pregnant, when they stick some gel on your belly and rub the wand over it. My ultrasounds consist of the wands being stuck up in the uterus to see the eggs in the tubes.......NOT pleasant. So my ultrasound for April went about the same, they were able to see that I was ovulating, and again it was on both sides. For sure I thought it would be this month! It had to be! I had double the chance again! 

May 4th I was at my parents house for our monthly FHE (family home evening- we have it on the first Sunday of the month and we all get together and have dinner and celebrate all the birthday's in the month). We had also decided to celebrate Mother's Day with my Mom since everyone was already there, even though it was a week early. While eating dinner my sister-in-law and brother gave my mom her present, she opened it to reveal a wood sign with "Grandparents" on it. Hanging below was a ribbon for each family with pictures of all their kids on the ribbons with a heart at the bottom of the ribbon. On my sister-in-law and brothers ribbon was a picture of their little girl and an ultrasound picture, announcing that they were pregnant (she didn't know that me and Trevor had been trying). I looked to where my ribbon was, just a little heart dangling pathetically at the bottom. No pictures of my nonexistent children, no ultrasound picture...just blank ribbon and a heart. *insert heart breaking*

 I told her congratulations as I tried to keep my composure. Trevor hadn't seen my mom open the gift and asked why I was congratulating her. I told him that she was pregnant and as soon as that word left my lips I knew I wasn't going to be able to keep it in any longer. I excused myself from the table and went inside to try and regain composure before I went back outside. After sitting in the room for a few minutes my sister and mother came in to see how I was doing. Well so far I had kept the tears at bay until they asked in that sympathetic voice (ya know, the voice that always makes you cry) "are you okay?"  well I wasn't after that, the tears came down. 

Don't get my wrong, I am so excited and happy for my brother and sister-in-law! Their little girl is so adorable and I know their next little girl will be just as cute! But seeing my blank ribbon was the straw that broke the camels back that day. I have been taking the medication, doing the ovulation kits, going to all my doctors appointments and nothing was working for me! I was so frustrated! I was ovulating on both sides! With 2 eggs out there why couldn't I get just one of them to work? These were all the emotions I was dealing with that day, on top of having Aunt Flow stop by only a few hours earlier!! I had been so hopeful that I was actually pregnant that month! Only to have that hope and dream tossed away and then find out a few hours later someone else was! 

The tears continued to fall that night as one by one my other sister's came in to check on me, like clockwork perfectly timed so that as soon as I had it under control the next one stopped by and opened the flood gates all over again! After a long night of crying we went home and I talked to Trevor about the situation, because it's hard for him to understand why I get so sad when someone tells me that they are pregnant. 

Anyone who had struggled with getting pregnant whether it takes 2 months or 10 years knows that feeling. At first it starts out as a little twinge, sometimes before you even officially start trying--when you are just in the baby hungry stage. For me each month that feeling has grown, deeper and more intense. I'm not sad or upset that they are pregnant, I am happy for all you glowing mamma's/ mamma's to be, I'm just sad that I'm not joining you. I sincerely apologize if I have offended any women who announced to me and they saw sadness instead of happiness! I am so happy for you! I don't want to take away from your happiness in anyway, I just wish with all my heart, I could have that as well.  The closer the person is to me, the harder it hits me. There are lots of girls I went to high school with that are pregnant right now, when they announced it barely hit me, I see their pictures and think they look cute. But when a best friend or family member announces it hits me like a ton of bricks! I think maybe it's because there are such strong emotions of happiness and excitement that sadness feels it has to be just as strong! I hope that makes sense and that I'm not just rambling....

Am I the only one who feels like this? Do all you other women struggling to conceive understand and relate to what i'm saying? Please say yes so I don't feel like i'm going crazy! Though the fertility medication does make me feel like I'm going crazy! I swear growing up I never cried, my sister even told me once I didn't have a heart because I had never cried at a movie! A while ago I was watching a movie and a preview for Blindside came on and I started bawling when Sandra Bullock tells him to protect the team like his family. It's pretty pathetic! All it takes is a song, or a touching moment like that and I turn into a big cry baby! 

Anyway, since it didn't happen in April my doctor wanted to do another test to make sure my Fallopian tubes were open, which consisted of having a catheter placed and dye injected while they took x-rays to monitor the flow of it through the tubes. My doctor said this can sometimes "clean out all the cobwebs" and some women have a higher chance for the following 3 months or so. They tell you to take Tylenol or ibuprofen before the test, which I completely recommend! The actual procedure was very uncomfortable but it wasn't as bad as my worst menstrual cramps, I would say the worse the pain got for me was about a 6 or 7 and it was only for about a minute or so. What the doctor didn't tell me though was it can cause additional bleeding and cramping for a few days after! The hospital did provide me with a pad, but you might want to bring your own just to be safe! I only had a little bleeding after they took the catheter out, but I did have cramps for about 2 days after. 

I had the procedure on day 12 (they usually want it between day 6-12 of your cycle) and I honestly wasn't up for trying to get pregnant that week because it was too physically painful. But the doctor at the hospital was able to give me some preliminary results which he said everything looked normal and I had good flow. He sent the results to my doctor who after reviewing the x-rays in more detail gave me the same news. Part of me was really happy about this. Any problem with the fallopian tubes that can be fixed, must be fixed with surgery, and I did not want surgery! So thank goodness I don't need it! 

The other part of me is wondering if my tubes aren't the problem, then WHAT IS?! If I'm ovulating like I'm supposed to with the medicine, my tubes are working great, and Trevor's numbers are good then what is the problem? It's so frustrating to be doing all of this and not having any results! I'm so sorry to all you women who have been going through all of this for years and years! I can only imagine the intensity of the pain you feel after every negative test! 

I went to lunch with a friend who had previously been struggling with fertility issues  but had recently become pregnant. She was the one that I went to every time someone else announced or when I was struggling with something. It was nice to have a close friend in a similar situation.  I'm not going to lie, when she told me she was pregnant I cried! Her and her husband had tried on and off for a few years and had finally seen a doctor who prescribed her to go on Clomid, but she became pregnant that month without it. I was so frustrated that she was able to get pregnant without taking any medications while I have been taking them for 9 months now and it hasn't worked for me! I love her dearly though, and know they will be such cute parents! When we were at lunch she asked me how I was doing with everything and I came to a harsh realization; every month it's easier and easier to not expect to be pregnant. I stopped getting my hopes up. I expected my period every month. I expected to get negative pregnancy tests. That's when I realized how low I was, I had hit rock bottom. 

I want nothing more in the world then to be a mother! I have spent many MANY nights on me knees praying about this. That has been one of the hardest part for me. Sure I was baby hungry long before Trevor was ready to have kids, but I wasn't upset about it. When we felt the Lord tell us it was time to start our family in the beginning of 2013 I was so excited! Now over a year and a half later it's hard for me to understand why He wants me to keep trying all this time. What lesson is it that the Lord is trying to teach me through this process? When have I finally learned enough of it? I fully believe that things happen on God's time- when he needs them too, although hearring that constant reminder frustrated me. I know that we all need to learn how to have a little more patience in our lives. I just wish I knew all the reasons and had all the answers! Don't you?! 

 I keep telling myself if I work on the other PCOS symptoms hopefully the fertility will come! I've seen a dermatologist twice and my acne is doing a million times better! Thankfully something is going right! Trevor and I also joined a gym. I hate that the doctors always tell me to lose weight to help with the symptoms, like I'm not already trying to do that! Well so far of about 2 months I've lost a total of 8 pounds. Not nearly as much as I would have liked, and Trevor of course has lost so much more! I hate how much easier it is for guys, but I'll keep working hard! I'm hoping I get into my skinny clothes again and then become pregnant and fat! One day at a time though! Unfortunately thanks to PCOS I had to say goodbye to breads and pastas--some of my favorite food (they are big NO NO'S for anyone with PCOS)! I better get skinny if I am giving those up! 

My doctor wanted to start the intrauterine inseminations in June but we had some unexpected financial situations come up (on top of all these fertility expenses!), and since insurance doesn't cover those we decided to hold off for another couple months and keep trying just the medication. So here we are still trying, hoping that August will be the month it all works out for us! We have also decided to register of a Fertility 5k on August 30th. You can register to join our team and support us at here under Team Nielson. Hopefully we will win the fertility grant and be able to move forward with the intrauterine inseminations. 

Through this process I have had some very hard times. I've been very upset, depressed, sad, disappointed, frustrated......and every other emotion you can think of. It's hard to not let your trials weigh you down. Believe me when I say there are days where the whole world is weighing me down! On those days Trevor always tells me "it's going to be okay". At the time when I want to be depressed and have my pity party I hate it when he says it. How can it all be okay? How is it going to work out? How am I ever going to be happy without a child? I usually yell those questions to him while tears are streaming down my face. No one has the answers unfortunately. (Not even my all-knowing mom!) But it's true, it is all going to be okay. Someday. Somehow. In the mean time I guess I just keep praying, reading my scriptures, and rely on my faith of the atonement of Christ.

I stumbled across this blog today and it really was just what I needed to hear! 

IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY!

Remember this quote! Say it to yourself 10 times a day if you need to! I sure do!

I had another melt down (sometimes they happen very often!) the other day with my mom, and this is what she reminded me. It's hard for me to let things go, and maybe that is the lesson God wants me to learn through all of this. So I have been trying to give it to Him. Leave all my doubts, fears, insecurities, and heartache in His hands, trusting in His infinite wisdom and timing. If you are struggling with this, know that I am too! That's the downside to us being humans, we try to do it all ourselves without Him. 

My sister-in-law posted this quote the other day and it was another reminder to me of how I need to learn to rely on him more. 

"'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' This is a common phrase, and 

some say that 'only lemons' couldn't possibly make a very good lemonade. 

And they're right; life's trials/'lemons' don't consist of only trials, we need to

 work/'stir' in other things. We 'stir' in water which is the atonement of Jesus Christ,

 then we 'stir' in sugar which is the support/advice we get from family &/or friends. 

We need all three ingredients to learn and grow." -Bettilee Hunt

We need the Lord, and we need each other. To all those who are struggling with infertility, (whether it's your first you're trying for or your fourth) and to those who are struggling with any situation, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have friends/family who care about you and love you, and you have a Father in heaven who knows and understands exactly what you are going though.  He can help you, He can heal you. I know this, even if I have a hard time believing it for myself. I have been trying really hard to remember this lately and I already feel better! Yes I am still sad I don't have a child, but it's not a constant heartache. 

While reading my Book Of Mormon (a copy that my mom had already read through and made notes for me) I came across this note: "Multiply and replenish, a major commandment- all done in the Lord's time." I think she read this for me a few years ago (long before we were actually trying to have kids), yet she knew I was going to need it now!  

I feel so blessed to know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me! And though I may have a hard time accepting it, I know that He knows what is best for me. I love reading the scriptures and finding just the inspiration/answer that you need! 

I have been working on this post for a couple of months now, trying to get it to all make sense, and mostly trying to get the courage to post it! And you may not be able to tell, but I can definitely see the change in myself as I've gone through this journey. As I said before, I remember the lows, I remember hitting rock bottom. But  I am slowly pulling myself out of that dark hole! 

Thank you so much to all my family and friends! For all your love, support, listening ears, fasting, and especially your prayers! I can't make it though this without you guys! Keep us in your prayers and know that you are all in ours! I'll keep you updated on our progress! 

I would like to take a moment to address all the MEN out there who refuse to get tested. Going through this process for as long as we have, I have met a few women who's husbands/ husbands to their friends who are struggling, that don't want to be tested. Apparently some men think it is taking away their "manhood". This is very heart breaking to hear this! You have all read what I have gone through for 11/2 years now, and if my husband wasn't supportive of it there is no way I would have the strength to continue down this road!

Like I said earlier, I KNEW something was wrong with me, but something still could have been wrong with Trevor. Even if you know your wife has PCOS or some other infertility issue, what makes you think that you are just immune to having anything wrong with you? You may have low count or low motility that can be contributing to the struggle, but without being tested you would never know. 

Men, come on! Your test is cheaper! Your test is easier! Your test is quicker! Your test is painless! Your test gives immediate results! I get that some of you may be uncomfortable with the idea of you and a cup, but just remember you get to be alone in a private room for your test. How nice would that be?! I've had at least 8 different doctors plus an unknown number of nurses examine me while going through this process! Tell me again now how your test takes away your manhood? 

To me, a man is someone who loves his wife, and who supports her. If Trevor had refused to be tested, I would have felt NO support. How supportive can you truly be to your spouse when you see them struggling with something for so long and you're not doing everything you can to help the situation? How can you show how much you truly love your spouse when you aren't willing to do a simple test to help give her answers?! Even if you do think it's taking away your manhood or your dignity, isn't your wife and your marriage worth it?! It takes all of a few minutes for your test! 

Infertility is a struggle that many couples face and it can drive a wedge between them. If one side was refusing to do their part I can only imagine how it would drive that wedge deeper! Your wives are struggling with enough emotionally, they really need a husband willing to put aside their concerns and just be tested! Nothing is worse than the unknown! If something happens to be wrong with your count/motility then you guys can face that head first together! 

I have seen couples go through this process and it has been a strain for them. I am so grateful for Trevor and his constant support! He has been tested (multiple times!), he has held me when I cried, been to doctor appointments with me, and given me priesthood blessings for comfort when I was nervous/scared. I know that without him wanting to be tested things would not be the same. I can honestly say that our marriage has been strengthened through this process and it is because we are both giving 110%! Our goal is to have a family (one way or another!) and we are working on that goal together, both giving it all we have!  


(I am so grateful for Trevor! He has been my rock though all of this! He has given me constant love and support even when he didn't understand why I felt the way I did!)

And lastly, (I told you this post was going to be LOOOONG!) if someone tells you they are struggling with infertility please don't respond with "Well my friend's cousin's coworker did *insert old wives tale here* and it worked for them!" Every situation is so different and unless you know what your friend's cousin's coworker situation was, you can't really compare them. 

Saying "Well so-and-so doesn't have any eggs" or "So-and-so has been trying for 8 years" doesn't really help either. Don't get me wrong, I feel deeply for those women! I know there are women who will NEVER be able to be pregnant no matter what! I know there are women out there who have been struggling longer than I have! And it breaks my heart! But again, every situation is so different. Just because mine doesn't seem as bad, or hasn't been going on as long, does that mean my struggle is less significant? It sure doesn't feel that way to me! 

If the person telling you about their infertility is asking you for advice, then they obviously trust you enough or know that you have been through something similar, in which case it is okay to give advice.Every women is different as well, maybe some do like those crazy wives tale ideas! For me though, I am seeing a fertility specialist and trust her opinion and her medical decisions, I don't need medical advice from anyone else. Unless you can relate personally, the best response I've found is to just say "I'm sorry you are going through this." I'm not telling you my situation to get medical advice, I'm telling you for emotional support and to help you understand what I am going through and where I am coming from.  

I know that some people use humor to lighten a situation, but if someone tells you they have been going through this for years it's not a joke to them anymore. If they've only tried one month then yeah sure, make the joke about "washing your underwear together", but once a medical specialist is involved, it's a big deal. This may sound extreme, but imagine someone tells you they just lost a parent. You wouldn't respond with humor saying"well at least you still have the other one". So when someone tells you they are struggling with infertility saying "well at least you have alone time with your husband" or saying "you can have one of mine" is like a slap in the face. Yes without kids there are things Trevor and I are able to do that maybe we wouldn't be able to, but there is a hole there, I feel a loss. 

Every time I see a pregnant woman I feel a twinge, every time someone announces I feel a twinge, every time I see cute little kids running around playing I feel a twinge. The hardest situation is when I am holding a baby that is crying no matter what I do, then the mother takes the child and they immediately quiet down. I know there is that special bond between mothers and their child, and that's what makes it so hard. I want to have that bond. I want to be the one that can comfort and quiet down their child. I want to feel that love and closeness with my child. There are reminders every where, all day, every day! At work, with my family, passing people on the street, or even in a movie. There is a constant reminder of what I am so desperately hoping for, and unless you've been in the situation or lost someone close to you,  I don't think you can understand it on the same level. I feel that emptiness, that loneliness. I know that we all need to focus on the positive things in life, and I am trying to. I do still enjoy my life. There is just a part of it missing.  

If you have a friend struggling with infertility and you become pregnant don't hide it from them! It may hurt them initially when they find out another of their friends is expecting, but it will hurt them a lot more if you keep it from them! Obviously be considerate about it when you tell them! Don't rub it in, but don't be afraid to share your joy with them! They want to be happy for you and they will be! They are! It may just be hard to show that happiness sometimes, and it may take some time, but that doesn't mean it's not there.  

I'm not saying this to make anyone who's responded like that to me feel guilty. I just want you to understand how it makes me (and other women in similar situations) feel. I want you to be more aware of what it is your are saying and how it is coming across. Every situation and person is different so take that into consideration and say what you feel is best. But sometimes the ovulation medication makes us crazy and hormonal! It makes us cry for no reason, and be very emotional so just be warned! ;)

 If I haven't told you my story personally, I still love you! Please don't be offended! Believe it or not, I can be quite shy about somethings (and now that I'm telling the world :S) and I probably just didn't know how to go about telling you! Don't be afraid to ask me questions about any tests/procedures I've done in the past, or what my next step is! I am obviously trying to be very open and honest about all of this. 

I hope I have helped someone out there struggling with infertility! Otherwise this has been an awful lot of typing for nothing! I also hope I haven't offended anyone! That was not my intention, please except my apology if  I have! 

Please feel free to share this post with anyone you know who may benefit from it! 

Remember, it's going to be okay. 

You are all in my prayers!
~Michelle